I love this guys work.
* Reagan was born in the year 1911, the same year my favorite gun was designed. What the hell was its name again?
* As a lifeguard in his youth, Reagan saved 77 lives while letting 12 Communists drown.
* Reagan eventually became an actor, first falling in with the left-wing Democrats. Eventually he tired of them, though, and strangled the whole lot of them.
* Reagan made one movie with a monkey which he considered the low-point of his life.
* He helped expose all the Communists in Hollywood so they could be tied to rocks and sunk to the bottom of the sea - as was the custom of the time. Only if someone would do that now.
* Reagan got to know America by wandering the country, stopping briefly in towns to right wrongs with his kung fu skills and give speeches for G.E.
* He eventually got into politics by running for governor of California. An actor as governor of California? That's crazy!
* Governor Reagan was so successful that it took until Gray Davis for Democrats to completely screw things up again.
* Reagan tried to run against Gerald Ford in 1976 for the Republican nomination for president, but in the end the Republicans thought Ford's bumblingness was the best anecdote to Carter's goofiness.
* Reagan got the Republican nomination to run against Carter in 1980 when Republicans became convinced that, if they didn't vote for him, they would hurt them.
* Most speculate the turning point in Reagan's campaign against Carter was the debate where he won the audience over with his charm by telling Carter, "There you go again," and then proceeded to beat Carter until he cried like a little girl.
* Right after Reagan became president, Iran released its hostages. Some think this may have been part of some secret deal, the deal being that, if Iran released the hostages, Reagan would not kill everyone involved in the most horrible way he could imagine.
* When Reagan was shot in 1981, it only made him angry, easily letting him put in his tax cuts through a quivering, Democrat controlled Congress.
* The weird mark on Gorbechav's head was from the first time he met with Reagan and they battled with swords. Reagan decided to spare Gorbechav's life since he deemed him a useful fool to help him in destroying the Soviet Union.
* Reagan's nemesis in Congress was Democrat Speaker of the House Tip O'Neil. Occasionally, Reagan would wait in hiding behind a bush and tackle O'Neil just to keep the bastard in line.
* Reagan's aides told Reagan not to call the Soviet Union an "Evil Empire", but Reagan couldn't help it. They were just that damn evil!
* Reagan was known for keeping jellybeans at the table during cabinet meetings. When he didn't like someone, he'd give him a special jar of jellybeans, where, with each handful of jellybeans, the victims would be getting closer and closer to the poison jellybean!
* The public was really moved by Ronald Reagan - not by him making them fear the Soviet Union but by giving the optimistic vision of what the world could be. The brilliance of the glory of this future America was so great that it caused liberals to shriek and hide in their dank caves.
* When the air traffic controllers went on strike, Reagan showed his firm resolve by trapping them in a quarry and releasing grizzly bears on them.
* When Grenada underwent a Communist coup and took American students hostage, Reagan quickly grabbed a .45, paddled a boat to Grenada, and shot all the Communists himself.
* Ronald Reagan once joked that he outlawed the Soviet Union and that "the bombing would start in five minutes." In reality, it took a half an hour to start the bombing.
* When Mondale challenged Reagan for the presidency in 1984, there were plans to make Reagan's age an issue. Reagan easily defeated that plot by saying in a debate, "I will not make age an issue in this campaign. I'm not going to exploit for political purposes my opponents youth and inexperience," and then proceeding to beat Mondale until he cried like a little girl.
* Speaking of girls, the Mondale candidacy was notable for being the first with a female on the ticket. It was also notable for being the losingest campaign electoral wise by a major party, getting only 13 electoral votes with 525 for Reagan. Most news stations didn't even bothering coming up with a color to show which states Mondale won.
* The only state Mondale did win, Minnesota, eventually rejected him in a Senate bid making him the only major candidate to lose in all fifty states. Not so great a record, but what have you done of note?
* Reagan's uber-landslide victory was attributed to what were then known as "Reagan Democrats" and today are simply known as "Republicans".
* Reagan was stereotyped as being senile and falling asleep all the time, but, hey, destroying Communism is hard work.
* Reagan's tax cuts caused such an economic boom during the eighties that I got one of those Nintendo sets with the robot for Christmas.
* Reagan famously told Gorbachev to “tear down that wall” and then followed through by holding a gun to Gorbachev’s head until he chiseled down the entire Berlin Wall with an ice pick.
* There were also lots of synthesizers in music during the eighties, though Reagan's involvement with that is sketchy.
* The Soviet Union bankrupted itself trying to compete against the American's SDI, something Reagan only imagined after having some bad jellybeans.
* When it got out that Nancy Reagan consulted an astrologer, it caused great embarrassment for the White House... just as the astrologer predicted!
* During Reagan's final years, there was a scandal about arms being traded for hostages. I'm sure if the people who got the arms weren't particularly nice, though, Reagan made sure they were killed with other arms.
* Now that Reagan is in Heaven, we can be assured that, once we get there, it will be free of Commies and hippies.
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